CFC Dry Storage

Drunk Talk

2011-01-07T12:19:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

Now I’ve done some stupid shit while I was drunk. In fact, I can safely say that I do about one to two stupid, shitty things a week. Many of them include texting ex girlfriends, yelling out swear words or calling my mom. I think I even proposed once.

A friend of mine got married while wasted once. The next day she was nailing three other dudes. Love is so romantic sometimes.

Granted, I haven’t done this in awhile (thinking about three weeks or so), but I know the next big “foot in the mouth” moment is coming up. What will I do next? Go on a tirade? Naw.. I’m not an angry drunk guy, I just love on people. Have a one night stand? Naw... the places I drink are where everyone knows me.

Tonight I will try something different! As I get drunker, I will just get more and more German.That’s right. With each sip of alcohol I will embrace my Germanic roots and let the psyche of my ancestors reign supreme. It’ll be like that guy with the list... only without killing Jews.. or World War Two... ya know what? It won’t really be like him at all.

I’ll probably just drink and yell some word like “Ich bin ein Berliner”.

Which just means “I’m a hot dog” or something.

This is called mental diarrhea.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

I Know How I Made It In LA

2011-01-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

From Grant:

While perusing Facebook for the fifteen minutes I allow myself a day (that is a fucking fat cock of a lie), I realized that I'll know when I've finally made it as a creative force in this city:

When I switch some minute detail of my name so psychopaths can't find me.

Having immensely talented friends that I will one day ride the coattails of, I have witnessed this phenomenon first hand. I have one friend who simply changed her last name to ward off all of the pimple popping, sock snorting weirdos who fell in love with her last year in some movie you have heard of.

Then, I have another friend who simply switched the first letters in her name (i.e. Gelsey Krammer).

While I find these two methods very interesting, I think I can tweak my name just a tad to where I will maintain both exclusivity on Facebook, as well as my integrity.

I will change my name from Grant Lokey to "Grant Is Really Rich Now And Is Ignoring Your Stupid Ass Just Like Before Also I Like Fresca Lokey".

Has a nice ring to it.

Call me "GIRRNAIYSAJLBAILFL" for short.

-g-

TV Trials

2011-01-05T00:28:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

What is the greatest show on TV?

Perhaps you will say Dexter, or Breaking Bad. Not Me. For me, the greatest show on television has to be Pawn Stars.

Think about it.

Remember when Antiques Roadshow was all the rage? Well imagine that show, where each item gets appraised by an expert, and then add in the idea that each item will then be used to RAPE YOU IN THE ASS. That’s Pawn Stars. Here is the typical scenario:

“Oh! I see you have a vintage 1700s rifle. Surely that must be worth thousands of dollars! I’ll tell you what, I don’t really have a market for such an item, so I’ll buy it for thirty bucks.”

“Really? But it’s worth thousands.”

“Floor space.”

“Deal.”

That is how it always goes down. Here is the show in a nutshell. Everyday people get screwed by fat dudes and freemarket capitalism.

I love America.

Flame War

2011-01-04T10:36:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

Ever gotten in an internet flame war? Or even a skirmish that never really amounted to a "war"? Sure, we all have.

But have you gotten in a flame war with a community you never really were a part of? Ah, now see that is a different dynamic! You really put some effort into those attacks. You sit at your computer for minutes at a time on a single post, making sure you don't give your enemies any easy targets like spelling, grammar, logical fallacies, things like that.

You write three drafts of a post before deciding on which version is just condescending enough to piss the other guy off but not so aggressive that he will just stop posting.

It's an art form, really.

The best part is winning. Yes, somebody can win in a flame war, and it's not when the other guy says "you're right". Cause that shit never happens. No, it's when the other person says something ultimate, something finite, and something childish at the same time.

"Yeah?! WELL FUCK YOU." means you've won.

"SUK A DIGK U IDIOT" also means you won.

Silence? Nobody has won. Flame war over.

A new sun rises.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Weekly Cluck Up: 12/31/2010

2011-01-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

NYE

2010-12-30T23:10:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

With New Years Eve quickly approaching, I decided I would make a whole laundry list of shit I will never do. I’d like to focus specifically on the whole “eat better, live better” idea, which everyone commits to at some point in their life.

The problem lies in the very beginning of the resolution.

Most of us go out, drink ourselves stupid, and eat ourselves into obesity on New Years Eve. Waking up the next morning, you are in no mood to take that New Years jog. You really can’t stomach anything but a little hair of the dog. In my case, a bloody Mary.

So this is how the whole new year’s resolution begins. Too hungover to work out, and to hungover to drink anything but alcohol. What to do next?

The next logical step would clearly be to start the resolution at a convenient point. New Years day is a Saturday, so you’d think you’d coast through that day, and start on Sunday. Too bad there is football on that Sunday, and Sunday was the planned “junk food” day of the week, so you are just gonna have to wait til Monday.

Monday comes, and you’re back at work, but with the new year, you’re way too busy to get to the store and buy fuckin’.... soy burgers or whatever.. so you just make use of the vending machine-- get some of those tight-ass TGIFridays tater skins chips.

Before you know it, it’s next year, and you’ve gained three hundred pounds, all because God decided to put New Years Day on a Saturday.

Blame him.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Television Eatery

2010-12-29T10:43:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

I have this overwhelming urge after cooking dinner to plop down in front of the tube and watch Food Network. Usually something on Food Network "Night Time" (which, by the way, is the most ridiculous fucking title for primetime food shows I have ever heard) piques my fancy, like Chopped or Slpped or Flambéed or whatever the fuck.

Anyway, I cook up my simple dish of meat and starch and then sit in front of the TV, nodding slightly in approval as if to say "Fuck yeah, I know what you mean Alton Brown, sulfides." Usually they are using ingredients like taro root or.... like... other shit that I had to use spell check on. Me? I usually just use cracked pepper, sirarcha, and salt. BELLISIMO!

One thing I have noticed that kind of irks me though. Why does the Olive Garden advertise during Food Network shows? Isn't that kind of like the Mad Dog 20/20 sponsoring a local wine tasting for other vineyards? Also, does Mad Dog even HAVE a Vineyard? Or do they just make wine out of piss and the souls of bastard children left behind after their mothers died during birth?

When you're here, you're family!

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Christmas's Out For The Summer

2010-12-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

From Grant:

Alright. Packages are unwrapped.

The stockings taken down.

The receipts kept, maybe even returned.

I hope everybody had a fantastic weekend of family, friends, and booze. I hope you got that iPad, or whatever the hell it is these kids (i.e. my mom) are getting these days. Now, it's time to go out, and buy all that mess you wanted but either didn't get or were too afraid to tell your family to get you.

Come on, don't be shy, go get that set of Glow-in-The-Dark Crayola pens that you saw on TV. Or maybe you can go get that industrial strength Shake Weight. Or that Super Soaker that shot "ooze" onto little kids (hey, there had to be something you didn't want to ask the family for). The best part about Christmas being over is now you can go out and get the stuff you want for cheap!

Nevermind that you already emptied your bank accounts buying stuff for everybody else. If you can hold out til the first of the month, your spending thresholds will go back up! It's what Santa would have wanted.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

DADT

2010-12-24T10:45:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

Are you gay?

I totally asked, which is legal, and you like... HAVE to tell now.. cuz it’s the law.

As we all know, DADT was repealed a few days ago. For those not in the know (one of you who was playing World of Warcraft for the last five years or whatever), Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is the policy that prohibits openly gay (and really all gay people) from serving in our military.

The night that the repeal of DADT had occurred, I was sitting in a bar, watching it unfold on the news. I overheard the following conversation:

“Man, I don’t know. I served in the military for five years and I don’t want no gay dude looking at my dick while we take showers.”

It was at this point that an obviously gay man turned to him and said the greatest rebuttal I had ever heard.

“Yeah, you’re right. I hate the idea of being shipped off to another country where I know absolutely no one. I also hate that I am putting my entire life at stake every day, surrounded by a strange culture that wants to kill me. I won’t talk to my family for months at a time, and they’ll always wait for that letter to come where they learn of my death.”

That’s when the gay man turned to the gentleman at the bar and stared him directly in the eyes.

“But all that is worth it to get the glimpse of an ignorant redneck’s limp dick in the shower.”

Win.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Up n Smoke

2010-12-23T11:36:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

Do you smoke? No? K, um, have a good day then.

You do? When did you start? Okay, now think about this: Did you start smoking with nobody around? Or did you start smoking with somebody? Look, I hate smoking, but I don't judge people who smoke.

But I was wondering...

What is a reason for taking up smoking if not because "others are doing it" or "I'll look cool"? Like, I am trying to understand if there is indeed another reason to start smoking. It's certainly not "for my health". And "because I have too much money" usually doesn't make sense either. Again, not judging, but is there another reason for picking this habit up?

Also, if "because everybody else was doing it" is your reason, isn't it now "cool" to stop smoking? Isn't quitting the new starting?

Ugh, I need to do a line.

-g-

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Yeah.

2010-12-22T00:22:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Finito Presento

2010-12-21T15:32:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

Done.

I am done Christmas shopping, and Ian sucks at Christmas.

It's the 19th, and Ian looks at me today and asks "are we getting each other something?".

Ian has this thing where he needs to know somebody got him something in order for him to justify buying them something. Apparently Ian missed the part where one gives gifts because they want to, not because they only want one in return. Also, ask him who found Mom (both Xmas and birthday) and Mom's Husband's presents. Spoiler it's me.

I guess Ian was too buys singing Hall & Oates karaoke and perusing Match.com for women who smoke (if she smokes she pokes) to find our life giving mother and our newly minted step father a present. Oh, and not to mention the family member who gives Ian any kind of worth in this town.

Fuck off, I was talking about me.

-g-

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Weekly Cluck Up: 12/19/2010

2010-12-19T23:55:00.001-08:00

Chrimmet Movies

2010-12-16T17:13:00.000-08:00

From Ian:

Greatest Chrimmit movie of all time? Nightmare Before Christmas.
Now I'm not the emo kid who shops at Hot Opic, but something about this movie really gets me. Perhaps it's because it combines two holidays that I truly love, Halloweeen and Chrimmit. It's a wonderful blend of the macabre and the jolly.
What I really hate are the fans of NBC. I mean, how often can you wear striped socks and a Jack Skelington Backpack befoer it gets tired? You do realize that he isn't real, and that he isn't some fucked up version of prince charming right? He's a dead due who is obsessed with Santa Clause. I've seen less issues with Anne Rice.
Loving a Christmas Story? Sure. Christmas Vacation? Got it. Miracle on 42nd Street? Sure. But loving this movie as if it's the end all be all of any Chrimmit movie? Fuck that. Pick something more innocuous... like Love Actually.
Love Love Actually.
Not gay..

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Lee-ving Texas

2010-12-15T11:55:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

Did you ever have that girl who broke your heart?

Sure, we all did.

What was the first thing you did? The answer is universal. You went out, got in shape, and wanted to make her jealous. Oh how jealous did you make her?

Do you go out with the hottest chick at school? Did you go out with the new hot girl who was never hot before but had been “cleaned up” to become prom queen? Or did you go back to the one that dumped you in the first place, feeling that it may lead to hurt but was so “familiar” that you felt it would work out for the best?

After all, this chick, let us call her “Philly”, knew you best. Gave you the boost you needed to become the most popular girl in school.

Well, just like most jilted lovers, you went back to her once she promised she’d changed. She was “different now”. She realized how wrong she was and wanted to make a mends... despite the fact that she offered less than either the hot chick or the new girl did.

Yeah. Fuck you, Cliff Lee.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

The Givers

2010-12-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

From Grant:

You guys are incredible.

Over $3200 raised this year to go to the Child's Play Charity. Combined with the $3600 last year, that's like a million dollars in two years.

Actually, it's about $6800 donated to giving kids in children's hospitals around the world video games and toys during the Christmas season. Have you ever been bed ridden and played with a Gameboy? Then you know exactly how important this charity is.

$3200. Think about your own personal bank account. Regardless of if you have a lot more or a lot less, think about how many video games, systems, or toys that will buy, and the difference that can make in a sick kid's life. You guys made that difference, and we can't thank you enough.

We'll be updating the donor list soon, and be on the lookout for an email asking for your mailing info, we just might be sending you a thank you gift from Harmonix.

Donations remain open until December 19th! Spread the word!

-g-

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Charity

2010-12-12T18:44:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

So on Friday begins the 48 Hour Rockband Marathon. Or as I call it, the seventh circle of Hell.

Normally this realm is reserved betrayers and mutineers, but on this day, they reserve a special spot for me and everyone who is foolish enough to sing crappy 80s hair metal songs for charity.

Here is all I ask you. Donate. Give what you can, because whatever you give will be ten times less than what I do.

I give a part of my soul. My God, I couldn’t speak for weeks after last year’s event, and if you have any heart in you for these little children, you’ll give at least ten bucks. If you don’t?

Jesus doesn’t love you.

Merry Chrimmit.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

I'm Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

2010-12-09T00:55:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

There was a natural progression with Trans Siberian Orchestra's "Deck The Halls" song (google it).

First is was really fucking cool.

Then it became so passe.

Now it's just fucking white trash.

This of course was over the span of nearly two decades. Listen to that. It has the epicness of Europe's "The Final Countdown" with the cheesy trashiness of Europe's "The Final Countdown". There are points in there where you know somebody is just throwing a fist in the air screaming "Fuck yeah! Christmas!" and that person has a sick, sick mullet/soul patch/sleeveless shirt double-combo. And you know lasers are involved in this concerts.

Side note: My ex girlfriend's dad goes tot his concert all the time. He has a mullet. And wears sleeveless shirts. And his shower curtain has wolves on it. No joke.

rawr.

-g-

Chrimmet Time

2010-12-08T00:09:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

Every year as the holidays approach you have a rash of people who “despise Christmas”.

I propose that we deal with these people not with malice, but rather with a change of ideology. Even the stoutest of Scrooges will find it hard to say “humbug!” when they use my patented method loving Christmas.

Are you ready?

All you have to do is say “chrimmit”.

That’s it.

See, Christmas has an old timey feel to it. Old songs, old traditions, old people. But by changing the word “Christmas” to “chrimmit”, you’re inviting a much more modern, dare I say urban feel. Observe!

“Don’t be sad that you have cancer, Tommy! It’s chrimmit time!”

“God I can’t wait til mom gets done in the kitchen so I can have some of that crimmit hams!”

“Jebus is the true reason fo chrimmit!”

Try it today. You’ll love the holidays more than you ever thought possible!

Adios 4 Loko

2010-12-07T11:23:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

Well, the week is finally here. Many of you will go about your lives, blissfully ignorant of the loss that soon befalls America. Many of you, however, will suffer the greatest loss known to the common man: The Death of Four Loko.

Here's the deal. It's an energy drink mixed with malt liquor. It gets you fucked up while energizing you, kinda like putting on a Snow album. You wanna fuck something, but more importantly the last thing you wanna do is sleep. Or something, I dunno, I haven't listened to Snow in a long time. Or ever.

Look, if college kids want to get fucked up and drink energy drinks at the same time, they are going to do it, no matter how many Lokos the government outlaws. It was Irish coffees, then it was Jager bombs, then it was Four Loko. Soon it's gonna be Rockstar 45s or Monster Coolers. The fact of the matter is, frat people don't need single drinks to fuck them up. They have been master mixologists since the beginning of time. Do you think Jungle Juice was created by some faceless company? No. Everclear and Kool-Aid can only be birthed from the most desperate of alcoholics.

That and Smirnoff Ice.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Geriatric Park

2010-12-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

From Grant:

Having just gotten back from a 2 day rager in Vegas, I learned a thing or two about people.

Mainly old people.

You know what I saw at the slots at Caesars? I saw a sixty year old woman pumping money into the machine while her 82 (give or take) year old mother, complete with oxygen tank, looked on. Whether or not she knew what was going on, I'll never know.

But when you sit and think of Vegas, you think of hot chicks falling all over themselves, douchey guys falling all over the chicks and just sex and drugs and gambling. Well, one of those is right. People love gambling. Unfortunately this week at Caesars it must have been AARP week. I don't think the old people were addicted to gambling so much as just plain forgot they had just played a slot machine, so they kept putting money in for the first time.

I hooked up anyway. VEGAS RITE?!

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Thar She Blows

2010-11-23T02:24:00.000-08:00

From Grant:

Have a gander at our newest sketch "P.T. Cruiser". There was much darkness and gnashing of teeth to bring you this sketch, so you'd better enjoy it.

You know how the Lord of the Rings was released on DVD via the theatrical version first, and then the extended editions came out with all kinds of studies on Elvish and drawings and computer graphics and virgins and shit? Well, I guarantee you there is enough alternate versions and endings to this sketch that it would make your head spin. Hell I'd put out a special features disc if I thought somebody other than my mother would watch it. Scratch that, if I thought that even my mother would watch it.

By my count last time we had 12 different versions of the sketch floating around my computer, and took down to the final day to release this one, though I would never really say we "figured it out". But, at the end of the day, this is the version of the sketch that is released, and we hope you enjoy it as much as Ian and I think you will.

I promise you will never look at a P.T. Cruiser the same way again.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Weekly Cluck Up: 11/19/2010

2010-11-21T23:46:00.001-08:00

The Beatle Goes On

2010-11-19T13:16:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

Beatles are on iTunes now. Woopie.

Here’s the deal. We’ve been waiting for the Beatles forever. In fact, anyone who wants the Beatles on their computer already pirated that shit a long time ago. Look, iTunes was the new hotness, but that was years ago when it came out. All we wanted was The Beatles when that shit came out, but for some reason Apple wasn’t able to secure that shit.

Now, in a waaaaaay overhyped little announcement, the Beatles are being sold on iTunes. About six years too late. Everyone was expecting some epic software enhancement or at least some kind of purchasing system, and what they got was something that had been readily available to anyone anywhere ever.

So good move Apple. Get your fanbase all riled up and then tell them you aren’t charging for oxygen. Or sunlight. Or dignity.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Baby Face

2010-11-17T23:45:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

There are several reasons one uses Facebook. We keep up with birthdays, we learn what old friends are up to, we figure out what are the hottest trends and what's on the downward spiral.

We also scope hot bitches (or hot bros if you're into that instead).

So you can imagine my disgust when I peruse my facebook for the fiftieth time today and see.... this:

UGH. I want Spring Break chick on chick bikini making-out pics, not your child. I want to see if that hot chick in 5th grade grew up to be hotter, not if she got knocked up or married or whatever it is people do these days. Ugh, facebook is a boner enhancer, not a boner softener. News flash, Mommy, it's your facebook, not your kid's. Trust me, your kid is gonna have all the time in the world to plaster their mug on the internet, don't do it when they are fourteen months old.

And another thing, it's a year and two months, not fourteen months. Really? I don't say I am 301 months old.

Well, not usually anyway.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Phone Sects.

2010-11-16T20:36:00.003-08:00

From Ian:

Ok, so a girl comes in to the place where I work (not as a bar tender), and she is always on her phone. There is no exaggeration, every single time she comes in, she’s on the phone. It has to have happened over fifty times. She comes in, talking way too loudly, interrupting every one's business before GRACING us with her request.

Today was the wrong day for her to come in. I was hungover, and had come in an hour and half early to cover for my similarly hung over co worker. I was not in the best of moods. What follows is the actual conversation between me and phone girl:

Phone Girl: “Oh my God I KNOW RIGHT? Ugh he’s such a PRICK.”

Ian: “Hey can we help..”

PG: “Such as bastard! Hold on, the guy at the counter is talking to me.”

Ian: “That’s me.”

PG: “..Yeah.. can I geeeet....”

Ian: “Off the phone for once? Sure, I’d love that.”

What followed was a long conversation with my boss about how I need to put on a good face, and that I’m not gonna love every customer that comes in.

Also he agreed she was a twat.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Nacho Usual Snack

2010-11-16T20:36:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

Nacho Usual Snack

My manager and I were talking tonight about the ever undulating snack wave.

Basically, snack crazes come in waves. We are currently in the downward trending Buffalo Wing phase, and I do not yet know what new food craze is on the horizon.

You know what needs to get a little more wave time? Nachos.

Fuck yeah, pico de gallo, guac, cheese, beans, meat, jalapenos.

But it must be done gingerly, gracefully, cheesy. The problem that nachos found themselves in the previous snacking wave was two fold:

One, if somebody took the restaurant approach to nachos and layered the bottom of a plate with chips then dumped nine pounds of shit on top of them, well, it created soggy and unevenly distributed nacho experiences.

Two, on the flip side, if one just gave you chips and a side of all the nacho stuff, well, that's not fucking nachos is it? No, idiot, it's chips and dip. Get the fuck outta here.

Here, get a big fucking bowl, mix all the ingredients together, chips and all, carefully, to keep most of the chips in tact, then boom, dump them out onto a plate. Now you've got all the hits with traffic on the 8's without all the bullshit that comes along with previous nacho incarnations. This idea is so fucking good you could base a presidential run on this platform alone and win (or at least take Colorado furing the primaries).

Don't believe me? Try this:

1. Go to 7-11
2. Dump half of chips into container
3. Cover chips with cheese
4. Dump in rest of chips.
5. Add another layer of cheese.
6. Send Grant mad props for saving your life.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Vets.

2010-11-15T10:44:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

Welp, today is Veteran’s Day, which means the mail doesn’t deliver. Which also means I could either write a blog, or just skip it by claiming “I’m supporting our Veterans.”

So this is for them:

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Weekly Cluck Up: 11/12/2010

2010-11-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

All Twisted Up

2010-11-10T20:57:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

Soft pretzels are better than hard pretzels. In fact, I'd go so far as to say hard pretzels suck.

Rold Golds are bland and are just basically crunchy salt knots. And since Rold Golds are top of the line hard pretzels, any other brands are increasingly terrible.

There are a few exceptions though.

Snyder's of Hanover. I don't know who the Snyder family is and I don't know where Hanover is but goddamn they make some seriously bad ass garlic covered pretzel globs. Seriously, shit is bomb. Like, you could be the Snyder Klan of Mississippi and have weekly cross burnings, just give me the pretzel globs.

Chubby Hubby Ice Cream. Ben and Jerry you common law mother fuckers, your ice cream brimming with chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels are so good I'd blow nine dudes 12 times just to get my hands on a pint right now. I'd probably need it to get the dude taste out anyway.

Flipz. Basically the same reason as the Ben and Jerry's above, but because I can eat it with my hands I can gorge myself a lot faster. But fuck the yogurt covered pretzels, Grant wants his snacks big black and twisted.

But seriously, Rold Golds fucking suck.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Crappy Meal

2010-11-10T20:56:00.001-08:00

From Ian:

A city in America has just passed a law making it illegal for McDonalds to include a toy in the Happy Meal. The idea being that the toy encourages childhood obesity by being in the vicinity of a 4 oz. burger. Can you possibly guess which city that is?

Yep. San Francisco.

Apparently living in San Francisco as a kid sucks, because you live in a city where adults take pleasure in taking away anything that has the slightest stench of commercialism and bad behavior. But there are serious contradictions.

It’s perfectly fine for a large group of naked people to run through the streets of downtown San Francisco smoking weed. It’s perfectly fine to do this within eyesight of a kid (my little cousin saw it a year or so ago). But HOLY SHIT keep the burger away from my child! Why it could give him pleasure! He’s not allowed to enjoy that until he’s an adult!

Look, it’s a cool place, but damn it’s got some shit backwards.

http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Love the Clock

2010-11-09T14:28:00.001-08:00

From Grant:

There's always one fucking clock.

One single fucking ticking teasing time telling son of a bitch (I ran out of alliteration).

It's time to set our clocks back an hour. Yeah, I'm excited about the extra sleep. But I'm not excited about flipping my shit at some point during the first day of winter time. It never fails. I change all my clocks the night before, wake up, go about my day, get in my car, and then shit myself because I think I have to be at work in 5 minutes.

I changed every goddamn clock but the one in my stupid car. I get halfway to work and then just sit there in the middle of traffic, reflecting on the poor choices in my life, wondering if it's worth it to turn the car around or just send it careening off the nearest ledge into a quarry.

Usually I just end up adjusting the clock and going back home. Still, 25 years of this clock changing shit and I still give myself a palpitation at least once during the first day of standard time. Or is it Daylight savings? Whatever, it's darker earlier, that's all I know.

-g-
http://www.chickenfriedcomedy.com

Weekly Cluck Up: 11/5/2010

2010-11-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

Get Hallowver It

2010-11-05T23:40:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

It’s past Halloween. I get it. However, there is one costume that is officially tired.

I know where Waldo is. The answer is that he’s everywhere.

College Football Gameday he’s there. World Series, he’s there. Monday Night Football, Sunday Night Football. He’s fucking there.

Each year there is a costume that should be retired. So I’ll break down the costumes that should be retired forever based on the year.

2010- Where’s Waldo. We just covered this.

2009- Joker from Batman Begins- I don’t need another person telling me “Why So Serious” in their Joker costume. I get it. Edgy. Like... Hot Topic Edgy.

2008- Symbiotic Suit- Yep, Venom became a character in the last Spiderman movie. Hey, closet nerd, take a number. Everyone one wants to be that costume this year. You. Are. Not. Original. In fact, just play Dashboard Confessional while you wear it to get full effect.

2007- Abused Dog- We were all laughing at Michael Vick when he got arrested for this shit. Who’s laughing now. Barely anyone remembers he was a total cock. All we remember is now he’s a stug. Again. Also still a cock.

2006- Something Pirate Something- Oh my GOD! Remember Pirates of the Caribbean? Yeah? Well we all forgot after 2006.

Pre 2005- Something Napoleon Dynamite. Who gives a shit.

Ian Has a Friend Who Sucks

2010-11-04T11:33:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

Apparently Ian has a friend who is always hitting people up for free drinks when she goes out. "You gonna buy me a drink?" "Who's gonna buy me a drink?". That kind of shit.

Apparently Ian's friend is going to be out of town during her birthday, which we all know is the prime drink buying period of the year. It's your birthday? Shot time, hell yeah. Pour something strong like a Washington Apple!

Apparently, Ian's friend has noted that since she will be out of town for her birthday, Ian's friend has set up a fucking paypal account for people to buy her drinks over the fucking internet. Seriously. This bitch has taken her bitchiness full global. Setting up an online system for people to buy you drinks? How about this? How about you don't go out of town if you want people to buy you drinks?

And I bet you aren't even turning an age that's worth a damn. It's not 21 since you've been asking to be bought drinks forever. And the odds of it being anything else worthy of this bullshit are pretty low. Seriously, who the hell do you think you are? If I bought you a drink over paypal, how the FUCK can I be there to take advantage of you when you get drunk?

Think about it: I'm going to buy you a drink so that some other guy 300 miles away can get his rocks off when you pass out? Find a way to paypal my dick and maybe we'll talk.

God I hate you.

-g-

Spud Logic

2010-11-02T23:09:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

No joke. There is a new diet called “The Potato Diet”. Apparently some dude lost 12 pounds in three weeks by eating nothing but around twenty potatoes a day.

I’d like to stop here and talk about another diet known as “The Cookie Diet”. No shit. There is a diet where eating FUCKING COOKIES is the center of your nutrition. Granted these are special cookies that I can only assume taste like ball, but nonetheless it’s this kind of diet that shows what’s wrong with America.

Back to the spuds.

In the interest of full disclosure, let it be known that this man is in charge of the Washington Potato Commission. He’s doing this to promote the nutritional value of the potato. Make no mistake, this man is going viral, putting his whole experience on Youtuber.

I guess he’s going to mash the naysayers of potatoes. Perhaps he’s going to whip the competition? I dunno, he just seems so...

hot to tot.

Hot and Saucy

2010-11-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

I find it incredibly interesting what regions of the country use what hot sauces. There are a few universal (national?) standard hot sauces like Chalula and Sirarcha, but I've noticed something...

Here in California, everybody prefers Tapatio. I have never heard of this stuff until I moved here. I know, it's made in CA, so that explains it a bit, but you think a sauce so prevalent in this country I'd have at least heard of it or something. I actually don't care for the stuff, as it's not as tangy on the tongue as I prefer. Still, 9 out of 10 people I talk to in this state prefer Tapatio to...

Tobasco, my favorite. It's heavy vinegar flavor really sets off stuff. Especially pizza. Pepperoni, jalapenos and tabasco is a sick awesome pizza, and I'm not even a chili head. That tang in Tobasco makes that sauce easily the go to for me, and most people from Arizona over to the edge of Texas. Until Louisiana, that is, when...

Louisiana hot sauce takes over. That shit is bomb on seafood, and understandably so. I have a hard time describing the flavor of Louisiana sauce, except that it's less vinegary than Tobasco, but moreso than Tapatio. Whatever the case, once those creoles fished their bottles of this crap out of the make-shift canals that are now their freeways, they went right back to douching their food in red stuff.

/katrina joke

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 10/29/2010

2010-11-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

SFS

2010-10-28T23:28:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

The time of All Hallows Eve is upon us, and to sum up the holiday, here is how I heard it put on one of my guilty pleasure TV shows:

“Halloween is the holiday where boys dress up like women, and women dress up like whores.”

So, as is the case when Halloween rolls around, I will now list the top five scariest fuckin’ shit I can think of:

1. Spiders, but only when you’re asleep.- Like.. for seriouslys. Spiders are lame, but manageable. You see one, you ponder how to kill it with the least contact possible, and then you fight over who gets the paper towel to pick it up (that shit may still be ALIVE.) All of this pales in comparison to the thought of FUCKING SPIDERS CRAWLING ON YOUR FACE GAWL. If you have water by your bed... you know it’s ten times worse.

2. The Omen- I’m talking the original here. Now I’m biased because I grew up going to church hours and hours a week, but when they take what was always thought of as wholesome and light and introduce a fucking super villain it’s bad enough. What makes it some of the scariest fuckin’ shit is that it’s a goddamned (pun) six year old or something. I swear to God I can’t hear a Catholic choir without thinking of “It’s underneath the hair.”

3. IT- Yeah bitches. Tim Curry is scary. Clowns are scary. Tim Curry as a clown is some scary fuckin’ shit. “We all float down here Timmy. Have this balloon.” Sweet Jesus are you kidding me? LOOK AT HIM.
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:HOEW6Q85GAYcNM:http://movieodyssey.worldblogosphere.com/files/2009/04/it-clown.jpg&t=1

4. Raiders Fans- That kind of passion mixed with that much faith in a shitty football team means that these painted face charlatans are capable of anything and everything. Also, have you seen Al Davis? He’s like a ZOMBIE.

5. Shield Eaters from Zelda- Was there anything creepier than these ass holes? They look like giant vaginas who eat your really valuable shit. Always in a dungeon, and when you’re five years old that shit is.... scary fuckin’ shit.

Happy Halloween, Twats.

Hey Bub

2010-10-28T23:27:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

I would like to talk a moment about Rent-A-Cops.

Now, I'm not going to rant about power hungry fatties who were probably teased mercilessly in the locker room so they turned to a life of "excessive authority". No I'm talking about the other kind of Rent-A-Cops. The ones who work the 7pm-3am shift at my local Ralphs (the coke head flagship store).

I'm pretty sure this is the cop:

I may be hyperbolizing with that picture. But! This cop had to be 65 or 66, just the weakest, saddest looking creature I've ever seen. Seriously, he made Gollum look like fucking K.C. and The Sunshine Band. He was not stopping anyone from committing shit in that store. He had a slow shamble that could have been outrun by zombies, and his dead eyes were just pleading for the store to be held up so that a masked gunman's mercy could put a stop to this farce he wakes up to day after day.

I get that people want security in a store in a bad neighborhood that is open 24 hours. But Jesus, if you're going to pay for security at least pick a security guard who remembers his pants when he shows up to work.

-g-

Winter Errs.

2010-10-26T22:21:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

So by now you’ve seen our new video. If you haven’t, go watch it. Now. Then come back.

.....

Ok cool. Now that fall has hit and Halloween in coming up on Sunday, I want to take a moment and tell everyone that the greatest time of year begin on Friday. Chilly breeze in the air (I can finally bust out all my Ohio fall shit) and nothing but Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Jack-O-Lanterns in sight. Everyone is just more friendly at this time. This contrasts with the Summer Vibe, where everyone is out to nab all the attention from everyone else by looking “hawt”.

Now is the time where I watch scary movies, play scary as fuck video games, and watch Football*. If you’re one of those “summer people”, go fuck yourself. This is the season for giving gifts, feeling alive by a morning frost, and enjoying family. In the summer all you enjoy is tits.

Let’s see how LA handles THAT.

*Baseball.

Inside Track

2010-10-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

Here's a little insight into the last few weeks for us here at Chicken Fried Comedy studios (i.e. the dark corner of my room where I also paint my Risk armies).

You may have noticed we've been a little quiet on the video front. Well, there's a reason.

Several weeks ago we got commissioned to do a new video. It now sits in the cellar that is my hard drive, aging until the day I unleash it upon the unsuspecting masses. I have a few fully edited videos just hanging around never to be seen. I digress.

For one reason or another, the commission stalled and we decided to move on to our next sketch. And then Charlie's camera went shithouse. It wouldn't stop recording until you pulled the battery out, and when you did a battery pull, it erased anything that had been filmed. A fact we learned AFTER we shot the entire sketch releasing today.

Ah, today. This sketch was shot Saturday, edited overnight and all Sunday, and zapped right to you by around early afternoon on Monday. Easily the fastest turn around for a non-Cluck Up video in our history. And of course it had to be such an effects heavy affair.

So there you have it, without further ado, I present to you "The Jigsaw Killer Runs Out of Ideas" a sketch five weeks in the making and just in time for Halloween. Oh, and thanks for baring with this blog entry, I know it's apparently lacking the "Comedy" aspect of Chicken Fried Comedy.

PS. If it's not up yet, be patient and check out our Facebook group to be alerted when it releases. Enjoy!

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 10/22//2010

2010-10-24T23:41:00.001-07:00

Fridge U Dare?

2010-10-22T02:47:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

Cleaning the house is a very enlightening activity. Allow me to regale you with the story of cleaning out our fridge today.

I’ve always thought it strange that I would go to the store frequently, only to have no room in the fridge. I’d have to move around this or that to get enough room for the one item I had just purchased. This was odd because I was always going to the store, so I clearly needed food. Why was I out of room in the fridge?

The answer is simple my dearest of friends. Apparently I never threw away the empty cases of ANYTHING at all. I believe I had 7 empty six pack boxes, and one 12-pack beer box sitting useless in that fridge. Lazy? Yes. Dangerous? No.

Grant was guilty of a far worse crime. Throwing away 3 large, slimy piles of black cilantro. These things looked like a smoker’s lungs at the end of his long, smokey life. It was impressive.

What’s most disconcerting about this whole experience is that all that’s left in our fridge is Coke zero and 4 eggs. THAT’S. IT.

Empire Douche Building

2010-10-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

For Grant:

If you watched the Yankees v Rangers game last night, you probably saw the epitome of New York douche ruin Nelson Cruz's highlight reel catch.

Sorry, I mispoke. "New York Douche" is redundant.

Anyway, here's an animated gif of the guy:

I KNOW RIGHT? Backwards cap and "getdafuckouttaheeeeeya" face. Typical douchery. And that fat friend of his tries to eat Cruz's glove. Seriously, watch the highlight again. Give him some mustard and Cruz loses his glove.

When interviewed, the d-bag flat out lies to the reporter, saying he never touched the ball until it bounced off the cement, and he never said anything to Cruz.

Well tough shit buddy, your lies have been imprtalized in ANIMATED GIF FORM. The worst kind.

Anyway, I wonder if he stuck around after the interview to watch the rest of the game. Cause after the 7th, nobody else was there.

-g-

Princess Pride

2010-10-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

I’m noticing a disturbing trend with the women of my generation. As any of you Millennials know, we used to spend hours watching VHS tapes of our favorite Disney cartoons. For me, it was a toss up between Lion King and Duck Tales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp (I’d say I also watched that Rats of NIMH movie, but it’s a Bluth movie and it scared the shit out of me.)

Anyhow, most of these movies (ironically none of the ones I really liked) had a princess in them. It was the perfect goal in life, to become a princess. In fact, every girl should aspire to be a princess, and not only that, they should find only the most loyal of princes to dote upon them.

Yeah. Here’s the problem.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been unlucky when it comes to dating, but I’ve had two CRAZY ASS BITCHES who genuinely believed that they were- in fact- DISNEY FUCKING PRINCESSES.

They felt it was only a matter of time until they found their castle.. or... bell tower.. or whatever they are supposed to live in. It was disturbing.

Not as disturbing as the fact that I thought I was Link from The Legend of Zelda, but hey... that was like.. a year ago. Ages.

And Seasons.

Boss Battle

2010-10-19T02:03:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

So I just finished the most recent Metroid game (8/10) and I got to thinking about boss battles.

Who coming up with the boss battles in video games and what are they on? Cause I want some.

For example, there's a boss battle in a recent game I played where a boss shits out other bosses. What the fuck? Could you imagine something like that back in 1985? Mario runs to the castle, gets to the lava pit, sees King Koopa, and King Koopa proceeds to shit out more King Koopas.

Mario would just say "a-fuck it" and go home.

Boss battles used to be all about timing and fireballs. You figure out when to jump, and you dodge the fireballs.

Well, the fireballs are there, but Jesus Christ do we need all the blood and puss and slime shooting everywhere? Do we really need the giant pterodactyl with a human baby's face spitting green vomit at the overly ripped protagonist? Can't we just have some purple energy beams and some semi-strenuous jumping? Can't we all go save a morally conservative princess who only wants to kiss the hero not hump his dick off?

Exactly, I didn't think so.

Weekly Cluck Up: 10/15/2010

2010-10-17T20:56:00.001-07:00

Minors In Possession.... OF FREEDOM

2010-10-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

Let’s talk minors.

I mean miners.

So let’s say you’re one of these Chilean miners stuck down in the cavern for twenty years or whatever. You’ve been living in a confined space in complete darkness for what seems like eons. When you come out, you probably need a minute to get your bearings. Hell, it would take me weeks to get used to daylight once more.

Not these badasses.

Not only did they want to talk to the media within like.. twenty seconds, but when they did they had the following requests:

-They get to say what they want.

- No one gets paid unless they all get paid.

- Finally, they don’ talk’ sum dat POLITICAL SHEET.

Basically, they had an agreement between all of the miners that no one would get paid more than anyone else for camera time, and they had the goal of never ever fucking working again. Ever.

I suppose when you’ve been trapped halfway to hell for two months you get a pass on working for awhile. So I tip my cap to these gentlemen. They not only survived torture... but worked the fuckin’ system.

Also nice Sea Bass

Dick Picks

2010-10-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

So, you know by now that Brett Favre has been the center of controversy. And we all know that it's not because this guy who's been playing longer than black people have in the NFL hasn't retired.

Brett Favre, family man, sent a picture of his cash and prizes to Jenn Sterger. Remember Jenn Sterger? She was the girl from FSU who single handidly raised Brent Musburger's long extinct phallice. This was the famous shot of Sterger at an FSU game:

Anyway, Favre sent a picture of his junk along with some good old sexts to her while he was QB at the Jets.

Can we talk for a second about how utterly stupid this trend of sending a picture of your dick over cyberspace is? Have you ever heard a story of this ending well? No. Somebody always sees it who isn't supposed to, and the more famous you get, the more people see it.

Seriously, have you ever heard a story go like this?:

A. I sent a picture of my cock to that chick, bro.

B. No way, what happened?

A. I won the Nobel peach prize.

Yeah that doesn't happen. You usually end up becoming fodder for some seriously degrading dinner conversation.

-g-

Aftermath

2010-10-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

Birthday party was last night. There were no survivors.

900 Dollary Doos!?!

2010-10-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

Well, it happened. The Aussie dollar of Australia reached .99 cents for every American dollar in terms of exchange rate. Pretty soon, we'll be worshiping our marsupial sucking overlords.

Underlords.

Down underlords.

What can we expect? Well, glad you asked. Please prepare for the following changes:

Ketchup will now be called "tomato sauce" (tomato sauce will remain sauce, KOOKIE AUSSIES omfg wut?!)

Chips are now called crisps.

Fries are now called chips.

Crisps are now called dillywhackers.

Bestiality is now legal.

Plastic surgery is now illegal for females. By order of Her Majesty's Royal Court, all women are to be just as fugly as the Queen Mum.

We are all officially beholden to Great Britain as a member of the Commonwealth of England....

.....

Even if we are totally separated by a giant fucking ocean.....

....and America totally liberated itself in 1776....

...and it's 2010...

Dude being Australian sucks. At least I learned the language from those beer commercials.

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 10/8/2010

2010-10-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Piggly Wiggly

2010-10-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

Perhaps you haven’t heard of the feral hog infestation in Texas. Let me explain.

As the rumor goes, a man brought a wild boar from Russia as a pet. Seems this Russian pig was a little too frisky, mating with many a female hog. No big deal, right? Not unless you factor in the fact that pigs fuck... well.. like rabbits, and are able to reproduce at an alarming rate. So now there is about 400 million dollars of damage done annually in Texas because of these hogs. Oh my. What do we do?

You open season on these mother fuckers.

Earlier this month the Agricultural Department of Texas said it was just friggin’ dandy to kill these pigs. They make great meat, and there are estimated to be about two million of these pigs.

Let’s get this straight.

You’re telling me that there are giant, Communist Pigs running around, and God-fearing, Gun loving Texans are allowed to kill them as they please?

Consider these pinkos DONE.

Pod People

2010-10-06T22:41:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

Seems that podcasts these days are the new internet videos. Everybody makes them, and 99% of them suck (guess where I feel our videos fall). Or is that videos are the new podcasts? Whatever, this is what I am gonna talk about.

Usually, when a podcast has been around for a few years, it's at least one worth giving a chance to. Though be warned, there's a lot of ego maniacal people out there who would upload their casts for years even if they have a listening audience of one (i.e. themselves) just to know their voice was out there. But besides the oldies and goodies, there are some serious /wrists out there.

Here's how you can tell a bad podcast.

First off, if it's about video games. Easiest way to spot a bad podcast. A good chunk of people who want to be heard on the internet want to talk general nerdery, and there is no other bigger bastion of nerditude than video games. This is also because most of these people are socially retarded unless talking about the newest Devil May Madden or whatever the fuck, so instead of learning how to talk to people, they make a podcast (TV & Lust podcast excepted).

Secondly, listen to the podcast. Does it sound like they are broadcasting from inside a paper bag that's been jammed inside a pillow? Yeah, that means they aren't serious enough to even buy a decent mic to make sure you hear them. They didn't spend the time, you shouldn't either. Unless it's a radio play, in which case, it makes it "artsy".

Third way to spot a bad podcast: female host

*shudder*

Just kidding. However, the first two rules definitely apply. As does the third. Believe me, I know a lot about shitty podcasts. Do you really think CFC wouldn't attempt a podcast? We did, and I'm pretty sure Al Qaeda is using it to torture captured American soldiers.

-g-

Drinkin' It All In

2010-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

LA- The Drinking Game.

1. Every time you hear a siren, take a drink.

2. Every time you overhear someone talking about the Entertainment Industry, take a drink.

3. Are those pink Ray-Ban Wayfarers? Take a drink.

4. On a dude? two drinks.

5. Paid more than seven dollars for a Bud Light? Take a drink. Of the beer.

6. Get asked “So what do you do?”, one drink.

7. Actually get to answer before they say “Well I’m about to do this new...” two drinks. Hell. Three.

8. Meet an actress, one drink. Two if she’s from Kansas, Nebraska, Tennessee, Indiana....

9. See a Mini- Cooper. You should probably pull over and take a drink. Or keep going, who gives a shit.

10. Go over a year without feeling like you’ve lost your soul and/or dignity? You need to drink more.

11. Hit the big time. Have a drink. With me. How’s Tuesday?

Running The Train On The Mouse

2010-10-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

Ask Ian (and a certain ex of mine) and they will tell you, I do not mess around when it comes to Disney Parks. The Disney theme parks are around $100 a ticket and for somebody as penny pinching as me, that alone is enough to send me into cardiac arrest. So, how do I combat this wallet asphyxiation?

I kick Disney's fucking ass.

I am like a fun Uncle (read: Funcle) on crack when it comes to planning. Now, I know you are asking "how much planning can you do? Do you mean like when to get there and when to leave?"

No.

I know where I will be and when. What I will FastPass and what I will not. Where I will eat and what I will and will not ride. I am not going to spend $100 to fuck around on a flying elephant a few times. If I'm going to do that, I might as well ask Mickey for a kiss first.

Grant's Rules for Fucking Disney:

1. No sit down restaurants. They take up valuable Space Mountain time.

2. No rides that simply go in the air and fly in a circle.

3. FastPass the FUCK out of anything with a longer than 15 minute wait.

4. No "It's A Small World" and no live shows (save the big to-do's after park closing)

5. Fuck a princess. Natch.

It is said that Walt Disney created Disneyland with the idea that it is continuously growing so that people cannot possibly do everything in one day. That dead anti-Semite did not count on Grant Fucking Lokey dropping a fun-deuce on his precious park. Add to that a heaping helping of California Adventure, and you've got yourself one megafuckton joy bomb the likes of which nobody will forget.

Fuck. The girlfriend told me we have to ride Small World. Time to reanalyze the schematics and adjust the ride timeline.

Weekly Cluck Up 9/29/2010

2010-10-03T21:54:00.001-07:00

Because You're Broke

2010-09-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

First off, I need to say that yes, I do know we post a lot of waiter stories. No we are not becoming a service industry rant website. It's the simple fact that until I can sustain myself financially on videos about Scat Porn, I am gonna have war stories from work. Also, you people who come into my restaurant are crazy as fuck.

Those of us who work in retail/services can really relate to this story. No matter if you work in a Gamestop or Barneys, Waffle House or Morton's, this is a unifying story we've all had.

Patrons, please listen: When your credit card declines, do not ask me why. We don't know. We do not know. WE DON'T KNOW.

And since I am not allowed to say "Because your broke ass doesn't have any money", I'll usually just shrug and give you the "That's life. INORITE?!" face. On what planet am I going to know why your credit card is declining? I'd have to know not only your current worth monetarily, but what credit card plan you are on, who your bank is, and your recent credit activity.

Yes, I know the bank could close your account for a multitude of reasons that aren't "you're poor". In fact, most of us service industry people don't assume you are poor. We don't assume anything, we just want you to give us another card or cash or have somebody else pay. The last thing I want you to do is tell me to go run it again (we've most likely run it two to three times already) and I can assure you, everybody else's cards have worked, so it's not us.

When I tell you the card declined, the next thing you should say is "here try this one" or "here's cash" not "How is that possible? No. That's not right. How can this be? I... wow... no, that's not right. What happened?"

I cannot stress this enough. We don't know, and really don't care.

No... what are you... stop! Put down the cell phone! You KNOW how long it takes to sort out Credit Card info, you'l be here for another 30 minutes! Baaahhh... .I'll go refill your tea.

-g-

Upside Down Face

2010-09-29T02:13:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

Ya ever purposely avoid someone because you forgot their name? They walk in to a room, and you know they know you, and you know they know you know them, but damn you just can’t remember their name? Well imagine this, only on an international scale.

Apparently when the US was hosting an event for the Philippines in New York this week, we flew their damn flag UPSIDE DOWN. Now don’t get me wrong. I can’t tell you what the flag looks like. Maybe it’s a picture of a coconut, corn, and Steve Perry on the front of it- I don’t know. What I can tell you is that if you are hosting an event that is for the people of the Philippines, you should probably hang the flag correctly. In fact, if the President is there- and he WAS- then you should probably make DAMN SURE it’s flown correctly.

Or else the little mudslide people are gonna freak the fuck out.

Related story: When I was in first grade I was the one who raised the flag on the flagpole every morning. One day I got called into the principals office and was warned “If you fly the Texas flag upside down again people are going to think you hate Texas. Do you want that?”

Still makes me cringe.

Super Magic Let's Go!!

2010-09-28T02:03:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

During the SMU v TCU game, and in a whole bunch of other college football games, I've been hearing this song that goes something like this:

"I've got the magic in me,
Something something something ohhhhh!"
(Hey, I don't fucking listen that close.)

This song brings people back into the game from commercials while we watch recent highlights from the game. In years past they've used hard rock or something like Mute Math or Pearl Jam. But this one? This one escapes me. Listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cq-NShfefks

I looked up the video to get the whole story on this song, and I found out the rapping parts of the song are actually decent. But we don't hear that in the broadcasts. No, while we watch highlights of big hits and killer catches, we're listening to the main hook of the song about magic. And not cool "tap your lands" magic. But the magic in you. And sung by Rivers Cuomo? Ugh. Give me something like Kanye's "The Glory" to watch highlights to. This "Magic" song sounds like the anthem of the week for the Special Olympics. And not the good Special Olympics, but like the 2nd Baptist Church of Temple, Texas Special Olympics.

Remember when people like Dio sang about badass magic and lightening and shit? Goddamn I miss that guy. \m/

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 9/24/2010

2010-09-26T23:45:00.001-07:00

Uh... Grant wrote this

2010-09-24T00:18:00.001-07:00

From Ian...uh... Grant:

I’m gonna list a bunch of things that many will find disgusting. Now I’m not saying that I enjoy these things, but rather any normal person would be foolish in denying that they have indeed experienced these phenomena, as they are integral to the human existence.

Let us start with the taste of ear wax. Be honest, it taste like death, or Campari. It’s a bitter, slick taste that only comes after finding a way of putting your finger in your mouth without washing your hands. We’ve all been there. You feel something in your ear, dig it out, and there is no sink available. No shame in this.

Second, let us analyze how blood taste like pennies. Yes, it’s true. No one is accusing you of being a friggin’ cannibal. We’ve all gotten busted in the lip, or wanted to absorb our own life essence before it slipped away and we lose a piece of our mortality. No judgement here.

Finally, don’t act like you’ve never tasted human flesh. Perhaps it’s a dead piece of skin after a hangnail, or you use your teeth to get that pesky bit of mouth flesh off the roof of your mouth. So what if it tastes like heaven. Like you have just grown stronger by absorbing your own energy.

....... ok this is weird.

Um... Grant wrote this.

Still {shit} Talking

2010-09-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

Ian and I went to the Rangers v Angels game out here in Anaheim today. This blog is not about a Rangers loss.

No, this blog is about Ian's desire to fight, and inability to start one effectively.

See, after about 3 saki bombs and 3 beers, Ian expressed (numerous times) his desire to get in a fight with an Angels fan. Nevermind their team is 10 games out of first place and their season is basically over. Nevermind they were perfectly pleasant during the game.

No, Ian was doing his darndest to start a fight. Funny thing was, he was too scared to actually say anything outloud to somebody's face. And he was highly uncreative as well.

He sees an Angels fan and says "fuckin' Angels fan" to the Angels fan. The Angels fan is 40 yards away. And Ian is almost whispering under his breath. To the point that I barely heard him. Oh such a badass. Here's another intimidating gem.

"Yeah, I bet you do." Who, what, or why he was saying this one (again under his breath) is beyond me. It was totally unprovoked and nonsensical (I mean, nothing brought this comment on) but hey, I'm not one to stand in Ian's way of having fun. Even if Ian isn't any good at having fun.

-g-

Dancin'

2010-09-21T23:18:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

I’m attending a very special wedding ceremony in about two weeks, and the groom is having a hard time deciding what song to dance with the bride to for the special “everyone look at us and how happy we are” dance. Since I’m a stand up bro, I’m helping him by giving him a list of what songs he could potentially pick, each one with my analysis of what it “says” about him and his future wife.

Without further ido (GET IT?! HOLY SHIT!) here are the top five songs you can pick for the first dance, and what they say about you.

1. “You Look Wonderful Tonight”- This one is all about the lady. It talks about how no matter what she’s wearing or saying, you find her perfect. Make no mistake, the bitch could be falling down the stairs in a drunken stupor and calling your in-laws cumtwats and she would still be purdy.

Romance Level: 9

2. “When a Man Loves a Woman”- Sure, this song is some saccharine soft rock bullshit, but you think it gives you a modern edge that says, “Yeah it’s romantic, but we’re gonna hop on our motorcycles and speed outta here like some mofuckas.” It would be awesome, but the cliche kills it.

Romance Level: 6

3. “Hey There Delilah”- Oh wow. A teenage wedding. Let me guess. You guys are high school sweethearts and haven’t ever dated anyone else. You just “knew” from the first meeting that you were destined to be together forever. Who cares if you haven’t experienced financial trouble and neither of you have a long term job, you’re in LOVE! Points docked for “soon to be divorced”.

Romance Level: 4-2= 2

4. “Slide It In”- Ain’t no doubt why you married that bitch. You wanna get FUCKED. Yeah, you cheated on her a few times, but she knew she with a wild dawg before you dropped that ring on her finger. Yeah, you got her pregnant, but she’s lucky to have bagged a true badass like you. She’d tell you so if she was allowed to talk.

Badass Level: 25

And finally-
5- “Come to my Window”- You married a lesbian.

Romance Level: 0
Hot lesbian porn potential: 50

Mouthful

2010-09-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

A little story inspired by our new sketch "Mouthful"...

There's a point, and it comes up rather quickly, where manners are relative. In the video, talking with your mouthful, it's okay to do guys, it really is. Some people do the "partial mouth cover" and speak so even if their mouth is full, you aren't staring straight into their gullet and right at their Moons Over My Hammy.

Some choose to use a form of archaic non-verbal communication, maybe a thumbs up, an a-ok sign, or what have you.

And then there are those people who refuse to do anything besides talk, but also refuse to talk with their mouthful. Not wanting to be rude, they enter a vicious cycle where they don't want to be rude by not using their voice, but also think it rude to talk with their mouthful. So you are stuck in a perpetual waiting game, where the only winner is awkwardness. And by the end of it all, you are the dickhead becauseyouhad the audacity to ask them a question while they were eating. How dare you?

By the by, I noted that manners are relative. Did you know for a brief time Ian would stand up from the table when a woman entered the room? What a fuck stick.

Enjoy our video.

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 9/19/2010

2010-09-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

Sick and Tired

2010-09-17T10:05:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

My brother is sick, which means that he’s all.. like.. bitchy and shit chillin on the couch like and invalid. That’s the difference between me and Grant. When he’s sick, he’s all lame and junk, and I’m all.. like.. cool sick. So sick of being cool all the time. Like that ya know?

I can’t have him bringin’ down my buzz, so I get that mofo some chicken soup, some gatorade, and some good wishes. All he does is lay on the couch and moan like a little bizizotch. So I slap him in the face with positivity* and tell him if he doesn’t feel better in thirty seconds I’m telling mom he’s dead and taking the inheritance.

He’s not breathing by the way.

*- Fist.

Little Pig

2010-09-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

We have an intercom system here that is linked to my cellphone so that I can let people in with the press of a button on my phone. Apparently, so dick hole feels that he needs to just randomly select a name to be let in. We join Grant Lokey, currently in progress:

1. I receive a call on my cell from "Front Door". I am understandably perplexed.
2. I answer. "Hello?"
3. A accented, very "over it" sounding gentleman says "Um, yeah can you open the front door, I (intelligible jackoffisms that I couldn't decipher)
4. Before I can say "Who the hell is this?" he hangs up.

The hanging up part is pivotal, because even if I wanted to let this dicksissle into my complex, I'd need him to stay on the line so I can press the necessary buttons to let him in.

Not that I was going to let him in. I had no idea who he was, and didn't feel like being raped and murdered (or murdered and raped, depending on how frisky he was). I started to head that way anyway, just to scope the situation, but I heard the main door open so I hurried back to my lair in case he was indeed coming to drop something off at my place. He didn't. So what does this mean?

It means this cockgoblin just randomly dialed MY name in the intercom listing for me to let him in. And the nonchalance with which he demanded I open the front door was pretty ballsy for somebody who wasn't even calling the person he needed to see.

IS THIS OBAMA'S AMERICA?!

OMFG UPDATE:

So after checking the mail today, I found out who was trying to get in. A guy CALLED MY APARTMENT to get in and leave flyers for his restaurant on our doors. And here's the deal, I was spot on with the foreigner thing, cause here is what the restaurant is:

Pizza Place called "We Love Pizza Cafe" and not only do they sell pizzas, but also Baby Back Ribs, Kabobs, Curry Rice.... what the hell? Seriously, some kind of Middle Eastern Pizza and Kabob Shack tried to get me to open the door for them to paper our building with their psycho hybrid restaurant propaganda. Los Angeles, we lost the game today.

-g-

Fed Up

2010-09-15T10:12:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

Alright. I don’t know who told you fucking assholes that the “kissy face” was a cute pose. I don’t know who told you that if you do that GODDAMN FACE in every picture you’ll find eternal happiness in the form of chocolate orgasms. I have news for you. You look like retarded ducks. It’s as if Howard the fucking Duck and a taint had a baby and then tanned the mother fucker. You look like mutants that I’d only kind of bang.

While we’re at it, putting your arm in that chicken wing pose with your hand on your hips DOESN’T WORK. We have arms too. This isn’t rocket science. You aren’t fooling anyone.

Do me a favor. Go into the facebook profile of some over tanned chick- we all know at least 7- and count how many photos have a hand on the hip and/or a duck face. If she has over 300 pictures and has less than 15, I will send you a fucking present.

Jeeeeeeeeeesus.

N Eff This

2010-09-14T02:00:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

The NFL regular season started today in earnest (no, thursday's "Farve Comeback Special" didn't count. And it didn't count last year. Or the year before). Here are a few observations on what we can expect in the coming NFL season:

1. God hates the Lions. Not sure what's worse, the Lions losing the game on this call, or the fact that the call was actually correct when one consults the rule book (re:nerds). If you don't know about this play yet, then you've probably stopped reading this NFL-laden post by now anyway. Between the recession and the Lions, I'd get out before God notices there are people still living there.

2. Frank Gore's Magic Asshole. And I thought Ian was the only guy who could pull his head from his own ass: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfBgVTohsbI&feature=player_embedded

3. The Bengals figure reputation alone will win games. Look, I know you are running the Cowboys 2.0 over there in Cincy, but just because you have 5 big names on the team doesn't mean they can send their agents to play for them. You have 4 of Dallas's ex-"stars" and you know what? They didn't do jack shit when they were in Dallas either. Also, your city smells like a fart.

4. Baseball became the bastard child again. The Rangers swept the Yankees, but does anybody in Dallas notice? Hell no, they are too busy watching Jason Garrett and Wade Phillips have a contest to see who can leave the most kernels of corn behind when they shit the bed against Washington. GODDAMMIT.

5. The day wasn't even over and I was already hearing about the Manning v Manning match up. Who will win? The sell out, or the Jim-from-the-Office-but-uglier-and-with-downs-syndrome?

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 9/10/2010

2010-09-12T22:42:00.001-07:00

R.I.P. Otho

2010-09-10T11:32:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

“Deliver me from L.L. Bean”.

My favorite line from Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice.

Today marks the passing of Glen Shadix, the actor who played “Otho” in Beetlejuice (and also “Bob” in Demolition Man, but we’ll ignore that.) He has the single best lines in that movie, and any person who has ever known an effeminate gay man appreciates his work as an overzealous, under spoken interior designer. We lost an obscure, yet great one today. I’ll leave you with another great line from that movie:

Ye Olde Gross

2010-09-09T10:37:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

A friend of mine recently expressed interest in going to the local Renaissance Faire.

I have some serious qualms about this venture.

First off, how is a Ren Faire (I am so in the know about shortening phrases) in California possibly going to be good? Isn't everything at a Ren Faire that is worth eating horrible for you? And isn't everyone is California afraid of anything with a gram of fat in it? How would one eat a funnel cake here?

"Hey, do you have funnel cakes?"

"No, but we have soy based veggie cones."

"Kill thyself, plz."

Also, and this goes for Ren Faires in every city.

Um, fat people need to stay indoors. Ladies, corsets are hot, but, um, piles of skin pouring out of the top of them like some kind of melted flesh sundae is not hot. I love boobs, but when they look less like boobs and more like a perpetually melting ball of grease, well, my penis gets soft.

And guys, those of you who dress up tend to have that belt so tight around what you believe to be your waistline it serves to make not one but two sagging bags of guts. Though we do have fun trying to pick out with one is your real stomach and which one is the top of your crotch.

I just made myself really, really sick. I need ye olde RedTube to remedy this ailment.

Also, the thought of a geocentric universe makes me uncomfortable.

-g-

P90heX

2010-09-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

Some of you may not realize that I put lots of importance on the idea of physical appearance. Not because I want to “look good” to make myself feel better, but because it’s a business choice. I’m not fat enough to be that “fat friend”, skinny enough to be the “nerd”, or in shape enough to be the “dreamboat”. Nope. I clock in at “harmless but potential pedophile.”

On that note I start my second round of P90X, or as I call it “Suicide by drowning Preparation”. This shit isn’t fun. It isn’t cool. There is nothing good or happy about this workout program. It gets the job done, though, and all it asks for in return is a PIECE OF YOUR FUCKING SOUL.

Alright P90X, I come armed with Turkey Burgers and words like “Quad” and “Isometric”.

It’s my turn to make you my bitch.

..eh I’ll start in a week.

Labor Day

2010-09-07T01:07:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

Happy Labor Day!

Whoa, insensitive, sorry.

Sorry, there's still something off.

There. It's metric.

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 9/3/2010

2010-09-06T01:11:00.001-07:00

Do It

2010-09-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

I started this new trend of writing down my To Do list on sticky notes. You know, the standard things like going to the store, or paying such and such bill. I also put long term things on there, like “Finish that Exercise Program” or “Get out of the chair.”

Below is what I believe my life would look like as a “To Do” list:

- Wake up before noon. 11:57 works.
- Pee. Don’t miss bowl (except for that first spray. No one ever gets that perfect.)
- Check ESPN and Chickenfriedcomedy.com (Thanks.)
- Go on Match.com and look for girls with daddy issues who look like they’ll put out.
- Sandwich
- Cheetoes Paws.
- Look at the clock, is it five?
- Wait til five.
- Drink.
- Go out with Daddy Issues Girl.
- Come home tomorrow.
- Go to bed.

2 Gloops 1 Plop

2010-09-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

Can we be real with each other for a moment?

Every factory scene on the Food Network Show Unwrapped looks like shit. And no, I don't mean it is shot poorly or of bad quality. I mean literally, that stuff looks like shit.

I was watching the episode on peanut butter, and they of course covered Reeses, because this is America, and Reeses, along with the Constitution, create the basis of our society. Anyway, they kept squirting these little dollops of peanut butter and chocolate into these paper cups. All I could think about were how these delicious treats looked like monster bm's being taken after the 72oz steak challenge at the Big Texan Steakhouse. Don't believe me? Any chocolate factory has this effect. Hell, the opening credits of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory is a scat fetishist's dream come true. Throw in the peanut butter feature of the episode I watched and you'll see tears flowing freely from your local coprophager's house.

Of course, what does it say of me when this is all I see when I watch the Food Network?

Aw shit.

-g-

Phantasy Football

2010-09-01T01:47:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

So after completing my Fantasy NFL draft (and four beers), I’ve come to the conclusion that Fantasy Football is indeed the nerdiest thing possible on this earth. What’s that you say? It’s for jocks? It’s nothing like Dungeons and Dragons, the nerdiest activity of all time? Bare with me here.

- Stats are crucial in Dungeons and Dragons. Stats are even MORE crucial in Fantasy Football, as they are completely irreversible.

- People get together for hours at a time to play D&D. My draft tonight lasted 2 hours, and then previous year’s draft lasted five. It doesn’t matter how much beer and tortilla chips you pump into a session, it isn’t any less nerdy.

- “Football is with real people!” Yes, this is true, but I would argue that the involvement with the character is even higher with Fantasy Football. After all, I’ve known guys who have their ENTIRE DAY RUINED if a player gets hurt. If my character gets hurt.... meh.

- Finally, girlfriends hate both- evidenced by my lack of a girlfriend. See, I play both, and both have caused my girlfriend to confront me about spending more time with her. Doing girl things.

Guess what I chose.

Go Ahead and Jump

2010-08-31T00:04:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

I moved out to LA for several reasons, and besides the cheap drinks, rolling planes, and highway medians devoid of graffiti whatsoever, was the fact that I didn't have to be a traditional triple threat.

A triple threat? Somebody who can sing, dance, and act. You know, the kind of nonsense you have to be able to do on stage to get anywhere in live theatre these days.

And then I watched the Emmys. Are you kidding me? Guys, we gotta talk. I did TV/Film so I can have somebody ELSE do everything for me while the audience thinks it is me. Now I gotta watch Jon Hamm shimmy and Hurley from Lost wail on a solo? I didn't sign up for this. I signed up for hanging by the food cart, flirting with the hot extras and sleeping on piles of money. I have to have talent now? God I hate this city and everything it stands for.

Except the marijuana stuff, cause you know, that's hella dope as balls.

Weekly Cluck Up: 4/27/2010

2010-08-30T00:07:00.001-07:00

Durnk Shpeech

2010-08-26T20:56:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

After another night of binge drinking, I realized that some of the greatest drunken quips of all time emerge. Many are not funny the next day, but these are classics worthy of going down in the yellowed tomes of history.

“No, I wasn’t hungover today, I drove it off last night.”

“Aw fuck dude, I’m gonna nail that little Chinese chick. Like.. I’m gonna karate chop her with my dick. Give me five bucks, I’ll totally do it.”

“If I could just get her to let me give her a naked body massage I know I’d be so fucking in.”

“That’s it, I’m getting drunk and cleaning the whole goddamn house.”

“I can chuck this beer bottle like.... 100 yards... check this shit out.”

None of these ended well. Many ended in jail time.

Thanks Fer Noticin' Me

2010-08-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

What is it about a public forum that turns people into a dripping pile of whining bitch? No, I'm not talking about complaining. I am talking about negative, self loathing.

I am talking, once again, about Facebook.

I know, I know, not an original muse for a blog entry, but let's get real, people. This Facebook thing is just brimming with the lowest of the low and I plan to exploit it so I can avoid thinking about an original blog post.

Let's get to it. You have 800 friends, and every word you say is read by people the world over. People who barely know you, people who know you too well, and everyone in between. So why, in the name of Jumpin' Jesus Jack-a-ninny do you chose to fill your page with things like:

"Today sucked. Every day seems to suck lately."

Are you shitting me? It's one thing to have a bad day, it's a whole nother bottle of pills to post that shit up so that somebody out there says "man, I wonder what happened to that guy/girl?"

Oh, and spoiler: Nobody cares how shitty your day was. Not when you write something like that. Negativity like that abides by the law of diminishing returns. Observe this list, wherein I will list both the status update then the response by those reading:

(Status in plain text, response in bold)

"Dog got into the garbage, let's add that to the list."

"lol. my dog duz that sometimes 2! as long as theres no chocolate its all good!"

"Just failed my third quiz of the day, I knew college was a bad idea. Surprise surprise."

"Buck up, buddy! It's not like you can't take the class over again!"

"Car broke down, girlfriend dumped me. I got a new phone though, so two out of three isn't bad. Except my phone just died. Typical."

*no response*

"Girlfriend dumped me, said I was too negative. La dee daa bitch."

"Maybe stop dwelling on how crappy your day is?"

"Slept in and missed my court date for my speeding ticket. Great."

"Maybe you shouldn't have gotten out of bed... or woken up in the first place".

"Gotta get a new computer battery, time to curse the lord again."

"I hope you die. And not quickly. Slowly. Painfully. Anally."

-g-

Golden Opportunity

2010-08-24T23:52:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

A new study shows that urine can be used as a source of renewable energy. I don’t like this. Or MAYBE I DO.

See, I’m an alcoholic (hell I’m drinking straight Jack right NOW), and if pissing can be a form of renewable energy, then I’m about to save the goddamn planet. See, in certain circles, “breaking the seal” is the moment when binge drinkers go to pee for the first time. Alcohol is a diuretic, which means that when you drink it, you gotta piss, plain and simple. It ain’t science.

So Jack Daniel’s is a diuretic. Awesome. I get interrupted every time I wanna party with my friends (see: weeknights). Things are just getting started, I have a few shots of sweet Jack Danielian nectar and then BAM. Pee time. I have to stop making eyes at that cute Spanish chick, or berating my less than cool brother to go drain the clogged pipes.

However, there is no better pick up line than, “I’m an environmentalist.” That’s right. Now that I save the FUCKING WORLD with MY PISS, I’m gonna get laid more than... well.. me at a “really low standards” bar.

Look out world. You just got a golden shower of heroicness from Ian: Urine savior.

Pee pee.

Blogging 300

2010-08-24T09:45:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

As I archived our Cluck Up last week, I realized that we have done 300 (301 now) blog posts. I am pretty sure that this is the most consistent thing in the history of my life (besides virginity).

Seriously, if there is anybody out there who has read all 300 of these blog posts, make yourselves known, cause I guarantee you Ian hasn't read all 300. In fact, I don't think Ian's even read 100, which is funny considering he's written 150 of these things.

You know, we started blogging mainly to keep ourselves fresh and out there every day, and while I don't think we've succeeded on any level at being "fresh", we have kept ourselves out there everyday, mainly to the detriment of many of your Facebook feeds. As we get deeper into the spam-laden history of Chicken Fried Comedy, I find my friends list shrinking and then I ask "should I stop pushing the website so much?"

No, it's the public who are wrong.

Thanks for reading, and I'm doing a shot in honor of the next 300. But if I get to 1,000 I am killing myself.

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 8/20/2010

2010-08-21T11:47:00.001-07:00

Ultimate Test Of Girliness

2010-08-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

(Grant does not condone such ineffective blogging)

the ultimate test of girliness.

Walk into any room and say these simple words “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat”. I guarantee you, twenty American dollars, you will hear at least four other women in the bar begin to sing along with you on this classic from “Little Mermaid”.

I’d venture to say that if you sing those words and hear no response, you are in the company of robots. Or zombies. This is a universal test of womanhood. In fact, it’s a little known fact that id you sing this song, angels cry and doves weep.

So beautiful. I’m so drunk.

See what I mean?! The hell was that?

Analysis of Facebook Pr0se Vol 2

2010-08-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Analysis of Facebook Pr0se Vol. 2

Often times I find myself at a loss of what to blog about, as I imagine is the curse of most bloggers (read: virgins) who try and churn out gold five days out of every week. So what do I do in times that I need a muse? I go to Facebook. Therein lies a never ending fount of what we in poetry circles call "ridiculous shit". I've done this before, and you can read the first installment here: http://cfcomedy.blogspot.com/2010/07/o-no-u-dint.html

Shall we begin?

you dont wanna see me angry you dont like me when im angry; live like jackson 5 but get greezy like jermaine be dangerous like michael so tito pass the tissues don't test me cause i keep a clip number 2 pencils and you will be erased outta sight and outta mind
so get the fuck on or my girls will wipe the floor with your behind ♥

This first entry is filled to the brim with allusion. Notice the sharp shift from Incredible Hulk to Jackson 5. It highlights the anger of the speaker, and also the inner turmoil akin to that of lost innocence during youth (as explained by the Jackson 5 allusion). However, no time is wasted as we delve into direct simile of number 2 pencils that persist to the end of the status update that finds finality in rhyme, providing the reader with a very pleasing rough couplet. Moliere would be proud.

SOOO WHAT IF I LIKE BLACK GUYS?? .. YOU LIKE WHITE GUYS BUT IM NOT CRYIN; GET WITH A BLACK GUY AND YOU SEE WHY IM STUCKK .. anyywho chillin with the boo finna catch some ZZZ before school in the morning.

I may be off base here, but I believe the first part of this text is an allusion to Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, though, again, I may be wrong. Note the use of the vernacular "cryin'" in an attempt to penetrate the reader on a very base level, as the speaker knew she was going to find an audience with the middle-lower class. The repetition of consonants in this update adds a dynamic break up of an otherwise stale update, elevating the line to a higher plane, demanding the reader vary their internal reading cadence lest they miss the intricacies inherent within the piece. Notice also the antithetical idea of talking about school while using a faux-uneducated linguistic pattern, as if to spit in the face of the modern expectations of an educated society. Breathtaking.

i CAN'T stand bein disrespected, you think im dumb and im really NOT!

Speaks for itself.

-g-

7-10:45

2010-08-17T22:25:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

So I go to a local convenience store after work, with the intention of buying that wonderful “Post Work Beer”. Being a bar tender, I’ve only barely made the cut off time to buy a SINGLE tall boy of my mainstream beer of choice.

I go to the ice cold fridge and grab the handle, only to find that it is, in fact, locked.

I head to the counter and say politely, “Excuse me sir, I know I’m close to two o’clock (the cutoff time), but I believe I have a little time, could you unlock the beer fridge real quick?”

“No.”

“Why not? I have some time.”

“No you don’t. It’s two.”

It’s at this point that I point to the clock on the wall above me, stating “You’re clock says I have three minutes.”

The look of disgust on his face is apparent. He HATES that he has to leave his oh-so-important post of FUCKING STANDING to go sell something, and he begins to walk over to the cooler. Just then he gets an idea. He points to the screen on his register (facing an angle I, of course, cannot see) and then says, “Oops! Two o’ clock. Sorry bud.”

I just walk out. Go across the street, and buy beer with one minute left. There are few things in this world that make me mad, but standing in the way of a cold one after work for the sheer purpose of laziness is just... un-American.

Saddle Up The Wagon

2010-08-17T00:29:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

My Texas Rangers have recently played the Yankees and Red Sox (and soon the Rays, completing what I call "Baseball's Nightmare"). What surprised me most about the past week of baseball was not how the Rangers fared against the teams from the East (they did well) but instead how many FUCKING TEXANS were wearing Yankees and Red Sox stuff. Hell, our baseball team is having a historical season and yet we still have the standard know-nothing posers out there.

So, without further adieu, I will outline Grant Lokey's Rules For Acceptable Fandom:

1. While you may be late to the party, it's almost always acceptable to cheer for your home team.
A lot of North Texans have recently started following the Rangers. While it's annoying that they didn't have the fans from the get-go, I have to say they didn't exactly play the game in a way that would garner much support in the first place. As much as it pains me, Lakers fans from LA are totally legit as well, even if it's boring for the Lakers to win. The only exception to this rule is if you have clearly made yourself known as a fan of another team, then try to cheer for the home team. Fuck you buddy, you're stuck until you get new friends or we get tired of calling your ass out.

2. You have to be able to claim at least five years of non-championship winning fandom years before I can accept your favorite team.
I have a buddy, born and raised in the Dallas area who hates the Cowboys and loves the Giants. Why? Cause his Dad is a Giants fan for some reason (his Dad is from Texas too). My buddy has been a vaGiants fan for as far back as I can remember, and looooong before the Eli Manning days. I hate it, but he's a legit fan. If you happen to be a Celtics fan, and you "have been a Celtics fans for years! Three to be exact!*" Fuck you. Learn to love a team before they win a championship.

3. You HAVE to be able to name at least 5 players on the team.
AND who they played in their last game. Seriously? I am so tired of sitting back and hearing Yankees fans razzing me about the World Series, and how Derek Jeter and A-Rod are so awesome, and when I ask them who their shut down closer is, they have no idea (Mariano Rivera). Same goes for the Cowboys fans in LA. Don't run around with your star caps and jerseys and then only know Romo and Miles Austin (cause he's dating a Kardashian). If you are going to trash talk another person's team, you'd better at least be able to not sound like an idiot when you do it.

4. If you are cursed to live in a city/state that is devoid of a hometown team, move. If not, try to have your favorites make sense.
You live in Nebraska? Right, so you got nothing besides the Huskers of Nebraska University. I get ya. Well, you have your veritable pick of any team on earth! Go for it, but just know you sound like a moron when you say "I like the Packers and the Vikings". Try and at least pick two teams that aren't bitter arch rivals of the past, present, and future. Try this, maybe go with Buffalo and Tampa Bay, cause those guys are harmless. Also, if your two favorite teams are the Red Sox and Yankees, kill yourself.

All this stuff I am saying is not hard either. Watch three games and you'll know exactly who and what you are a fan of. I'm not a sports nut by any stretch of the imagination, but I know when somebody sounds like a friggin tard.

*Celtics won the NBA Finals 3 years ago.

-g-

Breaky

2010-08-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

My real time review of the Jack in the Box breakfast sandwich.

Upon first look this thing looks like heaven. Perfectly toasted bread, egg and ham poking out of the sides, awaiting my mouth to engorge itself the succulent sammy in front of me. Why, they’ve even cut it in half for me. Shall I take a bite? Let’s.

The cheese clings to the other half as I pull it away, taking a huge bite from the salty, eggy core of the sandwich. Good. Slight aftertaste of butter lingers. It is pleasing to me.

The second bite is more spongy than crunch, as if I’m biting into my own quadruple bypass. Yet I continue onward to the end of the meal.

It tastes like an American breakfast. Though I’ll say it’s a bit strong...

it was probably the six tacos I had beforehand though. Those are good.

Camp Care-A-Lot

2010-08-12T02:16:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

THAT happened last night. Hell yeah, Cincinnati v. St. Louis.

Cage match. Literally.

Which boring Midwest city will prevail in the battle of the bitches? Us. That's right, we, the viewers, win.

Here's the fight as I understand it:

Brandon Phillips: Dude, our chicks are the ugliest in America.
Molina: Maybe so, but ours are the heaviest.
Phillips: WAT?! I beg to differ!
Molina: Que?
Phillips: I'll tap the shit out of your shin again if you disagree.
Molina: Just try it!
Phillips: no u!
Umpire: Boys, boys! Let's not fight, we all know both of your cities are ugly and boring.
Phillips/Molina: Last one to shove their starting pitcher into the side wall is a rotten egg!

But seriously, it's about time this stupid game got a little violent, it's been waaaaaaaay too long since we had a bench clearing, head smashing, Liu Kang-style kicking match.

GRANT LOKEY APPROVES.

-g-

Mismatch.com

2010-08-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

From Ian:

I’ve done my fair share of Internet dating in my life, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ve done my time on match.com, Plentyoffish, hell... I’ve even done Ashleymadison. What I've noticed through all this is that women come in millions of varieties. Little nuances that make them completely different from each other. There are, however, certain phrases that send up red flags to any self aware man.

“I want to be treated like a princess”- DANGER. This girl grew up watching Disney movies instead of having real parenting, so she automatically assumes her Prince Charming will ride in and save the day. She’s perfect now, she just has to be discovered by a man who will change the world for her.

“I like to be whisked away to tropical places at a moment’s notice”- Well sit tight bitch, cuz we’re going to the Rainforest Cafe. Look, I may spend money on you, but if your requirements for your time is that you require TICKETS somewhere, I’ll pass.

“My man must be 6’0”/ My man must have brown hair/ etc”- It’s clear this girl has already decided if the man is what she wants or not. Expect to get turned down within five seconds because your eyes are hazel and not fucking GREEN.

“Must love True Blood! LOL j/k” - Newsflash guys. She’s not. Fucking. Joking. Also she wants to fuck a vampire.

More to come in the future as digital women continue to destroy me from within.

Premature Celebration

2010-08-10T01:51:00.001-07:00

From Grant:

Ah pre-season football, is there any greater let down?

Spoiler: No. There isn't.

Tonight's "Hall Of Fame Game" matched up future Super Bowl Contenders the Dallas Cowboys with Future Special Olympics Contenders the Cincinnati Bengals. And there was all the glitz, glam and action of a real football game!

Oh, wait, no, there was a bunch of flags, a bunch of punts, and a bunch of images of the starters sitting on the sidelines cause they never play in the pre-season. At least not enough for me to give a shit.

Every year I get so excited football is starting, and then every year after the first snap I realize that it doesn't start for another month. As if I need another excuse to drink. I even busted out my Cowboys jersey, only to find myself constantly walking away from the tv and wondering how long until I can take the itchy thing off. Also, where the fuck were they playing the game? A high school stadium? What's that? Canton? OHIO? Look I get the hall of fame is there, but that doesn't mean we need to go to America's crud bucket for the first game of the season, no matter how shitty it is.

Go Cowboys.

-g-

Weekly Cluck Up: 8/6/2010

2010-08-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Chase Scene

2010-08-06T12:14:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

I walk into my local bank to make a deposit. Let me reiterate that. I want to give them money. I want to give them money, I want them to take it, and I want to leave. I step into the bank and get in line for the deposit. Suddenly I’m approached by an employee who says, “Do you wish to deposit that?”

“Yes.” I say.

“Come over here, we’ll get you setup.”

What follows for the next fifteen minutes is her trying to sell me things. That’s right. I’m already a customer at her bank, and she wants to sell me things. I’d be ok if it were things I didn’t have, but she takes TEN FUCKING MINUTES to outline the services I already have, and then onje bonus service I don’t really want. She then tries to set me up for it automatically, without me even having a chance to speak.

I just wanna go to dinner. Fuck you.

I joined this bank so I wouldn’t have to hear sales pitches anymore. Not I give them all my money, and you ask for MORE OF IT. Fuck off. I’m pissed. Here comes a letter, corporate.

Mac Attack

2010-08-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

We just finished shooting our newest sketch called "Stoned" (OMFG DRUG HUMOR) and it involves Easy Mac.

I thought I had beaten that habit.

Apparently, Easy Mac is just as delicious as the day I gave it up so many years ago. See, I found out somewhere around the age of 18 that Easy mac is incredibly bad for you, especially if consumed every day after school. I often mixed in salsa to give it a nice latin kick.

But I digress.

It's true that recovering addicts never truly kick a habit. For years I have stayed away from that cheese powder monkey on my back, but tonight, I was thrust face first into a bowl of delicious convenience that I cannot resist. Alas, there is a two packet monster microwaving right now in my very kitchen, just laying in waiting to engulf me in a carbohydrate filled nirvana of pre-packaged pasta and powdered cheese product.

And I can't wait to run a train on this stuff.

-g

Drink Knowledge

2010-08-04T01:04:00.001-07:00

From Ian:

Having become a bar tender recently, I've realized what certain drinks mean in regards to a customer's personality. You can tell the entire world about a person just by hearing their order (or lack thereof). Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I give you... What Your Drink Says About You (Version 2)

Cosmopolitan (Under 40): You watched Sex and the City once, and you're about to return a drink.

Cosmopolitan (Over 40): You reeeeally wanna feel young again.

Hennessey neat- You're hoping that that 21 year old sipping on a Long Island will think, "Oh my GAWD, who is that dignified man sipping on that no doubt expensive liquor? I would like to engage in coitus with him."

Any shot with the word "Nipple" or "Fuck" in the title- You don't know what you're drinking, and in the unlikely event that you do, you won't taste it enough to know we basically gave you pure sugar.

Mojito/Pina Colada/ Mai Tai- Is it summer? Fine. No? Then you're my mom.

Some un named drink that you made up and then freak out when we don't have the ingredients- Oh, you mean you don't have Absolut Taint? Well then how in the hell are you gonna make my Sloe Gooch Missile?!"

Die.

p.s. Below is the recipe for a Sloe Gooch Missile:

1/2 oz Sloe Gin
1 part Absolut Taint
1/2 oz Rumple Minze

Shake into a glass with ice. Fill with sour and top with Root Beer.

Lookin For A Floor Plan

2010-08-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

From Grant:

It appears that this time around, I don't have to move apartments. In the leases before my current one, Ian and I relocated three times in 2 years. The middle apartment is an experience we choose not to dwell on too much, but let's just say that you never appreciate a fridge, microwave, dishwasher and stove until you don't have it. And then you really don't appreciate it until you don't have those appliancesbut are paying for them anyway.

Fuck. Sorry.

Anyway, here are three things people look for in apartments while hunting that don't make a damn bit of difference to 95% of people who look for them:

1. Fireplace - Oh, you knew this one was coming. So obvious. People who boast about fireplaces in their apartment have usually on ever had one fire in the fireplace if any. Why? Because they seem to forget that they have to clean the fireplace after use. What's the fun in that? Also, when your living room highlights your monster LCD television and not the concave bastion of comfort, it's kind of silly to light a fire and spend no time in front of it. Oh, and you have a heater.

2. Sunken Living Rooms - Really don't get this one either. It's a step down, so that's cool. But you're going to trip on that step fifty times before your lease is up you drunk bastard, So it adds a level. A level that costs probably 100 dollars more a month.

3. Washer/Dryer Hookups - Now, I get why these are awesome. But how many people stay in their apartment long enough to warrant buying a washer/dryer? Exactly. The next time you move, you'll move into a place with no hookups or a washer/dryer already in unit (fuck stackables). So now what do you do? You don't take that with you, so you sell it for about a fourth of what you bought it for.

Maybe focus on one with a dishwasher. Everything else can wait.

-g-